Five years, OMG

Adrienne has been gone for 5 years now, and while we miss her as much as ever, life does go on. It scares me that she's so far away, that I'm forgetting some of the little things. I went through family pictures not long ago and enjoyed them immensely, laughing and crying at the same time. I also have old videos but no machine to play them on (I know I need to get them moved to CD). I'd give anything just to have another day with her, to hold her and comfort her. Pictures and memories will just have to do. We've lost several really important people in our lives this year, especially Bekah, Lucho, and Joe. Have I mentioned recently how much I hate cancer? It sounds cliché, but it's so important to hold those close to you, to tell them how much you love them. Life is too short for too many.

4 Years

I guess it's been a year since I updated. Adrienne left us 4 years ago today and I hope she's pain free and happy. I can't wait until we're united again but I know how fortunate I was to have my daughter and best friend for 22 years. Several people I know are suffering now, Bekah, Andrew, Lucho, and Lisa (her son died a few days ago). My prayers are with all of you and all the people who still suffer. Despite the improvements in detection and treatment, we still have a very long way to go.

3 Years

It scares me so much that it's been 3 years since Adrienne left us. Sometimes it seems like she was just here, sometimes it seems like she was just a dream. I forwarded the youtube video of Adrienne (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIWdsePzkOw) to someone that I met last year, and she remarked that it was odd to put someone's whole life into 4 minutes. We try so hard to keep her memory alive, for people to know what a wonderful person she was and how hard she fought. I asked someone who's daughter died in 2004 what it's like, and she said "bittersweet," which is the only word that comes to mind now. Caesar left us last week, on the 3 year anniversary of Adrienne's death. I imagine her comforting him as he went to heaven. I used to say that he was such a lover, and she would say "mom, he's a lovee." Too funny. He was lovee to the end.

Long time

It's been such a long time since I posted. I'm just not sure what to say or feel. I definitely get through the days better and can talk about Adrienne and our experience without crying uncontrollably. Mostly, I just focus on work and school and home. We did quite a bit of work on the house this year, but thankfully, that's done. I've left Adrienne's room as is with a bit of touching up and decorating like I know she would want it. Another mom suggested packing away things that I want to keep, so I put together a couple of boxes with her school things, stuffed animals, special books, and so on, just to make sure they're preserved and don't get lost. Daniel asked for some pictures, which he's framed and has in his room in Santa Barbara. All in all, things are going well for us in Nevada and California.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was one of our favorite holidays. Adrienne always said she'd learn to cook and help. She never did but she told me what she wanted to eat and I cooked it, and I loved it. The holiday just isn't the same any more. Curt and I had planned to go to southern California to see Daniel but things didn't work out (long story, his, not ours) so we're staying home this year. We'll go out for dinner, just the two of us. Caesar isn't doing well now either and we don't expect he'll be with us too much longer so it's good to be close to home, but you never know, the way he continues to surprise us.

Adrienne's BFF from CMC, Sara, is doing the LA Marathon with Team in Training in her honor. If you'd like to donate, please go to http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/la12/sararoberson. I know she'd love to hear from you and I know Adrienne is so proud of her for doing this.

2 years today

Dearest Adrienne, It's been two years since you took your last breath. It was the worst day of my life and I've had many bad days since, but I'm so proud and honored to have had you in my life for 22 years. I hope that you are happy, peaceful, and pain free. I'll always love you, more than even I can imagine. Love, Mom

Back Home

Curt and I returned from our trip last week. It was wonderful (of course) but the jet lag really knocked us out. We returned to find a package with a book that Adrienne worked on at CMC, and it was dedicated to her. I knew it was coming but I was happy to receive it and to hear from her prof. CMC also created a plaque in her honor and placed it in the reading room that she frequented there. She loved being at CMC and I'm glad that she was able to have that.

I start class again tonight with a 5 week, 3 night a week class, very quick and intense. Then I start work on my thesis/dissertation. I've decided to do my research into cyberbullying because I believe that this is a real and important health issue that needs attention and real-world solutions. We'll see where this takes me.

I want to offer a shout and support to my "moms," women like me with a child fighting Hodgkin's or who have lost a child to this disease. I wish we didn't have this little club but I'm glad that we can support and help each other. I love you all.

Healing and coping, they really do mean different things.

People ask me how I'm doing, if things are better, and I realized that I'm coping better but healing is a whole other story.

Healing and coping, they really do mean different things.

We usually heal from a physical wound, but when we do, there is usually a scar that we have for all of our lives.

Coping is a mechanism that our brains use to overcome emotional pain, a hurt that wounds our hearts. We don't see it, but it is there revisiting us at moments we don't expect and causing us to spiral back down into pain.

Physical healing, for example, for a bone break, means that the two ends are reattached firmly back together, sometimes even stronger than it was before.

Coping is something that has to be done over and over again. We get better at it, but we can also backslide into grief, reassessing our loss and opening the wound in our hearts to re-injure ourselves and feeling that pain once again. It is an injury that we will feel for all of our lives.

But it can also make us stronger too.

We can learn from this pain, healing our hearts much like physical healing takes place. We can use the pain to help others, and in so doing, help ourselves. It is coping, but it is also healing. So much of our loss and pain manifests itself in physical symptoms, and we need to recover from those. We can't still be prostrate in bed for years after the death of our child (although we'd like to be). We can't ignore the daily tasks of taking care of other children, of providing clothing and shelter for them and ourselves, of moving forward in this world.

We have to pick ourselves up and take those first steps towards recovery. It won't happen steadily like a bone break, but it will happen.

Adrienne Would be Proud

I was accepted in the Educational Psychology masters program at UNLV last week. I guess they decided to ignore my GRE quantitative score, which was really low. I realized that I could only raise my score by taking an algebra/geometry class so I'm happy I don't have to do that. I can apply to the PhD program next year and work on both degrees at the same time. My hope is to work on a master's thesis that can evolve in a PhD dissertation. This is all going to take awhile but I'm enjoying school in the meantime. It's challenging but not too hard.

We went to LA and Santa Barbara a couple of weeks ago. It was nice to see Daniel and he asked me to visit more often. It sure is nice when your 22 year old son wants to see his mom.

Caesar is turning into an old man day by day, poor thing. We thought he was having more back trouble but now it seems he's deaf. He can hear a few high pitched sounds but that's about it. Now I can stop calling his name when I'm looking for him, wondering why he just lays there. He's still happy, excited for his now short walks and eating normally (that dog loves his food). The little ones are oblivious and are just happy when he plays with them.

I'm going to be 50 in July, so as a present to myself, we're taking a trip to Italy at the end of May between spring semester and summer term. It took a long time to figure out where we wanted to go and how to use the miles and hotel points we've been saving for several years. Of course, I wish Adrienne was here as we had hoped for a family trip for this milestone but it'll just be the two of us this time.

Some days are really hard but there are rays of sunshine and laughter, and things to look forward to. I miss her each and every day. I miss her phone calls and texts, her movie reviews on Facebooks, sending me articles from the NY Times, and just sitting and watching TV. Adrienne would be proud, cheering us on.

A friend sent this to me yesterday. It captures so much.

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that, is a great gift." ~Elizabeth Edwards

Thank you, Annie.

For Kirsten

Our friend Kirsten died earlier this week. I like to think that she and Adrienne are together, comforting each other, smiling down on us now. When Adrienne died, Kirsten posted this beautiful poem.

A Parable of Immortality
by Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch until at last she hangs
like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says,
"There she goes"
Gone where?
Gone from my sight . . . that is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the place of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment
when someone at my side says,
"There she goes"
there are other eyes watching her coming . . .
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout . . .
"Here she comes"

Merry Mazel Tov

I heard that on TV and thought it was appropriate, especially for this Jewish family with one goy (that would be Curt). We fly to Florida tomorrow and then we're off for a 10 day Western Carribean cruise and a few extra days in Fort Lauderdale. I can't tell you how much I need this rest. Daniel will be spending the holidays with his girlfriend and her family. We already booked our timeshare in Cabo for next Thanksgiving so I told him he has no choice now.

School is good, great actually. I finished my two fall classes, both with As, and I'll apply to the program in January. I did terribly on the quantitative section of the GRE but just got an A in Statistics so hopefully that's good enough. At this rate, I'll be in school for another 5-6 years but I don't mind a bit. I can't even describe how different it is now than when I went to college in the late 70s/early 80s. I don't think school has changed as much as I have. Adrienne would be very proud of me.

Adrienne's friend Sara from CMC came to visit last weekend. I was so happy to have her and to reminisce, look at pictures, and talk about her. Sara spent time going through Adrienne's things and took some letters and pictures that were special for them, as well as some clothes. I've been giving away her things to her friends and family for awhile as I want them to go to people who appreciate them. No worries...I'm keeping everything I want, which is plenty. I even wear some of her clothes as I like having them close and I'll wear her earrings forever. Some days I'm okay and other days are really, really hard. Actually, every day is hard but somehow I get through day by day.

This has been a tough year not just for us but for many other's who've lost a loved one to this disease. There are still a lot of people who suffer from and die of Hodgkin's so I remain committed to this community, and to the many friends I've made over the years. Happy Mazel Tov to every one.

From Me - At Adrienne's Unveiling

Thank you everyone for coming today to honor and remember Adrienne. As most of you know, Adrienne and I were more than just mother and daughter. We were best friends. Though it’s been a year since she died, the hole I feel is just as deep and raw as it was a year ago. Now Adrienne would be the first to tell me how silly I am, but I can’t help how I feel.

I know she touched many people by how she lived her life, trying never to let cancer define her or stop her from living to the fullest. She was a large part of the lymphoma forum and they recently did a memorial for her. As Michael said, “In a hundred years or so, maybe someone will be doing a study of our civilization and will run across this board. And they will wonder, "Who is this Adrienne person? She must have been someone special to have touched and inspired so many." Yes, she was special and for me, she will always be beautiful and perfect.

Unveiling - October 24, 2 pm

Adrienne's unveiling is scheduled for next Sunday, October 24, at 2 pm. I'm scared to death to see her name on the headstone but I know we need to do this, we need to honor her and her life. Still, I'm expecting it to be tough. The ceremony will be held graveside and attendees are welcomed back to my sister, Diana's house afterwards.

The one-year anniversary of Adrienne's death was about as bad as I expected but I've been getting through the last few weeks okay. Thank you all for your notes and cards. I was truly overwhelmed.

Work and school are busy, so that helps a lot. One would think that time passing is helpful but I find it the opposite...it means Adrienne is farther away and I worry that memories will fade. Sometimes she seems like a dream.

Daniel is going to Colorado for Xmas with his girlfriend's family so it's just me and Curt. We'll be going on a cruise to the Western Carribean, which includes Cozumel, Mexico as well as stops in Honduras, Guatemala, and Belize. We're looking forward to seeing the Mayan ruins as well as some much-needed R&R.

From Adrienne's Dad

To everybody who knew Adrienne:

It is with profound sadness that we find ourselves on October 1st 2010. On this day a year ago we lost our daughter to cancer. It was heartbreaking for all who knew her, because we witnessed such a long and valiant fight, right to the very end.

Adrienne tried harder to live than just about anybody I have ever known. She lived her life to the maximum, made plans and followed her dreams. She never let cancer stand in her way (it was just an inconvenience), and it made her even more determined to excel in everything she did.

We miss her so deeply and I can only hope we will meet her once again in some future life.

Adrienne Leigh Boardman (August 18th 1987 ~ October 1st 2009)

Please visit Adrienne's Photo Gallery at:
http://www.eazyclick.com/photos/index.php?album=adrienne

With love - David Boardman (Adrienne's father)

New Unveiling Date - October 24

Just a quick note to let you know that I'm changing the unveiling date to accommodae my school schedule. I know Adrienne would understand. It'll be on Sunday, October 24. I'll post details as soon as I get confirmation from the rabbi.

Birthdays

I'm not sure who's still reading. I haven't felt like posting much. Everytime I think about it and log in, I can't figure out what to write. Adrienne's birthday is coming up this week and I'm not sure how I'll deal with it. Daniel's on his way here right now and his birthday is the day after Adrienne's. It used to be such a happy time. They had so many wonderful birthdays over the years.

I finished my class and got an A. Wow. The last session was on Death and Dying and I chose not to go. Unless you've been through this, I don't think you can know what it's like and I don't like crying in front of people that I don't know well. Over the years, we've known many people who lost a child and I never pretended to understand what they were going through. I just tried to be there for them. People who are many years out tell me that their pain is just as deep. Perhaps they have fewer tears and get through the days better, but the pain never lessens. Most people just don't know what to say to me, even family. It seems like they just want me to move on though I'm not sure what that means. I like talking about Adrienne and remembering so many good times we had together but a lot of people are uncomfortable talking about her, like somehow it's contagious. I promise...it's not.

1997

"1997 was the year I beat cancer."

This was the first line of an essay Adrienne wrote in 5th grade, a few months after finishing her first round of treatment. We all thought it was true and were working hard at getting back to normal. I so wish it were true. I found the essay while seaching for my college diploma and cried the rest of the day - no diploma but I did receive my transcript and have graduate standing at UNLV.

Are things better? It's not really like that, more like a roller coaster of downs and better days. My nephews had their bar mitzvah last weekend and between tears, mine, I managed to do my part in the ceremony and enjoy the party that night.

I start class next week. We'll see how it goes.

What's Next?

I definitely need something new and different to take my attention. Work has been great but I need a new challenge so I've decided to go back to school. I'll be taking a summer class just after the 4th of July to see how it feels and then will work toward applying for the Fall 2011 term. First, I need to take the dreaded GRE, dreaded because I don't remember the math. I looked it over and I remember the terms so hopefully it'll come right back to me. In the meantime, I can take as many classes as I want at UNLV. First up is a masters in Educational Psychology followed by a PhD. I know, these are big, long range plans (about 6 years worth) and we'll have to see how it goes but I'm not planning to make myself crazy over this. Just taking it a day at a time. Long term, I'd like to teach at a university level and maybe do a bit of research.

Last week, I went to Cabo with my sister and a friend. It was great and a good opportunity. The weather was perfect and we were happy to lay by the pool most days. I'm ready to go back already.

I don't think I've posted a picture of Rudy so here you go with his buddy Moe (Rudy is the bigger one with more white on his face). I call them "Dink" (Moe) and "Bigger Dink" (Rudy).



And we don't want to leave Caesar out. It seems like I can only get a picture when he's laying down, which he does most of the time and he won't let Moe and Rudy in the picture with him.

Time

I think most of us think that time heals all ills. I used to think that but not any more. If anything, I think it gets worse and worse. As more time passes, I realize how final this is, that Adrienne isn't coming back. The more time passes, the further away she gets. I worry that I'll forget about things, that she'll be further from my life. Now we have to order the headstone. I found out that some parents wait years to do this but we have to since the unveiling is coming up. I worked on the words but my sister, Diana, is taking care of the details because I just can't do it. It's too final. So I guess the bottom line is, time doesn't help.

This weekend, a year ago, was Adrienne's college graduation. The last year of college was so incredibly difficult, chemo, surgeries, hospitalizations, pneumonias, but she was so tough and determined. I'm incredibly proud of her and everything she accomplished. She was happy and proud and it was too shortlived. I hope you'll continue to think of her.