I'm not sure who's still reading. I haven't felt like posting much. Everytime I think about it and log in, I can't figure out what to write. Adrienne's birthday is coming up this week and I'm not sure how I'll deal with it. Daniel's on his way here right now and his birthday is the day after Adrienne's. It used to be such a happy time. They had so many wonderful birthdays over the years.
I finished my class and got an A. Wow. The last session was on Death and Dying and I chose not to go. Unless you've been through this, I don't think you can know what it's like and I don't like crying in front of people that I don't know well. Over the years, we've known many people who lost a child and I never pretended to understand what they were going through. I just tried to be there for them. People who are many years out tell me that their pain is just as deep. Perhaps they have fewer tears and get through the days better, but the pain never lessens. Most people just don't know what to say to me, even family. It seems like they just want me to move on though I'm not sure what that means. I like talking about Adrienne and remembering so many good times we had together but a lot of people are uncomfortable talking about her, like somehow it's contagious. I promise...it's not.
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Adrienne was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease in 1996 at age 9. She had multiple relapses, two bone marrow transplants, and a range of chemos and radiation therapies, and passed away on October 1, 2009. We are heartbroken.
Out with the Girls
About Adrienne
- Adrienne
- Adrienne was very much like others with Hodgkin's Lymphoma, the most common cancer in teens and young adults. What was unusual is that she had it for more than half her life and ultimately, it took her life. Hodgkin's is curable for about 80% people, but Adrienne was one of the 20% for whom a cure was elusive. She considered herself lucky since treatments had been there for her with each relapse but she ran out of treatment options and her body just couldn’t take any more. As she said, "Though I’ve now had cancer for most of my life, I no longer plan my life around it; instead, I try to plan cancer around my life." We hope you can take inspiration from her and how she lived her life.
22 comments:
Hi,
I wanted to let you know that I am still reading your blog. I look for you every so often so please keep writing if it suits you.
I will be thinking of you on A's birthday.
a mom in NH
Hi Alison,
I'm still reading this blog and a few weeks ago, I was backtracking and reading over the past year. Although I don't know you and never knew Adrienne, I followed what was going on. I keep up with this blog because of the impact Adrienne had on me.
I could never imagine what it must be like to lose a child. I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but the closest I came was 15 years ago when my friend's four year old daughter choked on half a grape. She died one month before her fifth birthday and she was so looking forward to going to kindergarten. The little girl (Lauren) would have been 20 on August 24th. I remember not knowing what to say or do except be there. My friend ended up being taken from her house in a catatonic state about one month after Lauren's death. She was hospitalized for a week and released. I don't think people just snap out of it and when I hear that, I want to snap their heads off.
For years, my friend did not change Lauren's bedroom. It stayed exactly the same. I made no judgments then and I make none now. It was years--years--and talking about Lauren still brought tears.
Take care of yourself on this first birthday anniversary.
And, congratulations on your A.
JoAnn
Hi Alison - congrats on the A. You are a wonderful student...just like Adrienne. I have the RFL luminaria bag sitting on the table near my computer and I talk to her every day. I wish I had had the chance to spend more time with her...but I do remember every minute of the 3 times we were together...Panera Bread for lunch, Old Town Pasadena and our most wonderful trip to Boston for the long weekend...happy memories : ) You and Adrienne shared so many of your adventures with your friends on your blog, the forum and briefly on FB...I could always feel the intense love and friendship you shared. It's understandable that her loss is so deeply in bedded in you.
Rich and I saw the movie, Inception, recently. It would be so interesting to hear Adrienne's view(s) and thoughts about the movie...so many different perceptions and opinions on it.
I wish we lived closer...we'd open a nice bottle of Cabernet and have a long chat about Adrienne...one day it will happen I promise!
On the 18th I will toast Adrienne on her birthday with fond memories and love.
((HUGS)) to you my friend,
Susan
Alison,
You ask, is anyone still reading? I still check yours (Adriennes) blog for updates and will continue to as long as you choose to post. You are someone who I admire and the memory of Adrienne and her life resonates. (I am a board member @ webmagic).
Congratulations on your 'A' and mt thoughts are with you through both of your childrens birthdays...
Carey
Dear Adrienne's mom....
I can't imagine a mother's love & loss could ever cease as long you live & breathe. I hope that the memories you hold dear from her birthday's past will carry you through this rough week.
I am a mom of a son with refractory hodgkins.
Hi Alison,
I'm still here as well, checking for new posts frequently. I figured you were busy with your studies. Congratulations on your 'A'. What's next?
I'm thinking about Adrienne a lot and my thoughts are with all of you this birthday-week.
I have so many nice memories of Adrienne, and Daniel, too - and now that I am a mom myself, I get frequently reminded of my time with them. It would be fun to share some of those memories sometime. Makes me want to find my recordings of them singing Christmas songs and other things. They were both so adorable!
Keep going your path with Adrienne being your motivation.
Hugs and love, as always,
Annie
I read your blog too and it would have been my son's birthday this week as well .another thing in common....I still am emotionally incontinent it doesn't get better or easier at least I haven't found that to be the case. I wrote something yesterday because of his birthday and trying to get through this week and I know you know the Language of the Hands only too well and I thought of you when I was writing it
http://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/08/15/the-language-of-hands/
Loraine
I'm still reading, too. Like you've said, it's impossible to understand unless it's happened to you. Despite that, I'm always willing to listen (read) what you have to share. That includes any memories and moments that you want to share about Adrienne. All of us here are always eager to listen. It's pretty amazing when I think about the impact Adrienne and you have made. I never had the opportunity to meet Adrienne but she is very much in my heart always. Take care of you. You are also loved by many.
The 18th will be bittersweet for me since as you know, it is also my anniversary. I will never forget you guys coming to my wedding and spending our 1-year anniversary/Adrienne's 21st b-day together. I treasure those memories. I am still here reading about you Alison and I think of you and Adrienne often. I will be thinking of you both on Wednesday and Eamon and I will be sure to share a memory of her.
Much love,
Tianna
Hi Alison,
I still check in on my Hodgkins friends - a group of people who will always be close to me.
I got through Eric's birthday and the anniversary of his death. I won't lie, both were horrible.
Like you, I know most people don't want to talk about Eric or Adrienne - it's just so strange and awkward.
I don't think the sadness goes away, we just get better at managing ourselves - sadly, that sometimes even means hiding our grief to preserve relationships. It's pretty horrendous how poorly our society reacts to grief!
I'll be thinking of Adrienne and you on her birthday. I have dreams of both Adrienne and Eric and both are happy. I don't know if that means anything or not, but I chose to believe that Eric drops by every so often to remind me that he is fine and happy. I'll assume that Adrienne is as well....
Love,
Kathy
I know your pain and after getting through the first year of firsts and starting the second, it still hurts everyday. We are coming up on the second year that he is not here for his birthday, he would have been 31. Our oldest son wanted family pictures, that was hard, our family will never be the same. Always thinking of you. Nancy.
Alison,
You probably don"t know who I am. I sent a card to you last October, but had to send it through the funeral home because I didn't have contact information for you.
I read your blog often, and have been thinking about Adrienne's birthday. I know that day will be rough for you. My daughter Lisa, age 37, passed away in Sept.2007 from complications of her HL treatments.She was born May 2, 1970,on my 27th birthday.It was so neat to share a birthday with her. After she died I said I would never celebrate my birthday again, but as that day approached I knew I had to do something to honor her life. The first year, we put a memorial in the paper. My husband and I, our son-in-law, and his parents gather at her gravesite on May 2 at 10:15 AM (the time she was born) and afterwards go to lunch and share pictures and stories about her life. Somehow that helps me get through the day.
I know what you mean about the statement "moving on." It is neither helpful nor comforting. The pain of losing your child is always there. Some days you can laugh and be relatively happy, and then there are triggers that open the floodgates. I decided early on that I would never be ashamed of my tears whenever and wherever they come.
By all means continue to talk about your daughter. Your friends should understand. She will always be a part of your life!
My thoughts are with you and your family this week and always.
Hi Alison
When my husband died, my father told me that I would never get over his death, but I would learn to live with it. When our youngest daughter (16) was diagnosed with HL last year, my parents had already passed away, but no one seemed to know what to say anyway. I can't imagine losing a child, but I know that your darling girl is still with you. You take your own time to do whatever you need to do to get by. Healing comes in many ways and it is not in a hurry. Your blog comments have helped me and I'm clearly not the only one. God Bless
Trish
Alison,
I'm glad you like talking about Adrienne because I love hearing about her and how special she was. I saw your post today and have been thinking about you both on Alison's birthday. XX, Janet
Alison,
I check in pretty regularly- hoping to hear how you are doing. I'll be thinking of you on A's birthday- and celebrating the amazing spirit you brought into the world.
darlene
bekah's mom
Dearest Alison,
Like many others, I still read your blog!
Inever knew Adrienne until after she had died, but you have both made a huge impact on me.
You have helped me help my son in ways no one else could!
Thanks for being here and on the web magic board.
I'm sorry you had to loose Adrienne! I'm sorry the world has lost her!
Blessings,
mb
(((((Alison)))) sending you a big warm hug <3
Not understanding the depth of the pain of your grief, I soo feel for you, and dont know if I told you this before, but when I went througt my transplants I didnt really have the same worry that people around me had, I "just" went with it because you just have to take it bit by bit, I think its harder on the relatives emotionally.
I was harder for me when my mother was on a vent for 10 days - it hit like a big wave, and she is better today, Im not even especially close to her, but the deep bond of family is just so strong
You helped me, I remember very well, and I know that having good support like Adrienne had you, is just the best!
Gitte
Just checked in for an update - a bit late - but I too sent a birthday prayer out to Adrienne last week - she will never be forgotten by many, many people, Alison, but we just aren't necessarily the people that you see everyday.
My close friend who lost her wee boy last year finds it terrifying not to hear Gregor's name - she makes a point to mention him often and doesn't give a tuppence as to whether others find this awkward - "that's their problem to deal with" she says. And she's right....there are no rules to grief and if speaking about Adrienne helps you through the day, others will just have to deal with it. Adrienne was a HUGE, wonderful part of your life - nobody can expect you to act as though she wasn't.
Sending you hugs, love and strength.......xx
Alison,
Just wanted you to know that although I never met you, or Adrienne, I have read so many posts from each of you, I feel I do know you in some way. Your special relationship with your daughter came through in all of your posts. Thinking of you; your family and Adrienne.
Kelly
(kittycatmom from webmagic)
I still read your blog, Alison. I do want to know how you are doing. I love reading about all the wonderful adventures you both had together. Truly, you were blessed to have each other - as mother and daughter, AND best friends. Thank you Alison for being such an incredible advocate for your beautiful Adrienne.
I think of her often, and am still doing Team in Training, with her as my personal honoree.
Aloha,
Deb Chauvel
I am still reading. Several times, I tried to write but I just can't find comforting, meaningful words. The radicality of the absence leaves me speechless and I am very sorry about that. Please now that Adrienne remains with us, in our thoughts and prayers.
love,
Anatole
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