Sunday, November 29, 2009


Thankful? No, I'm not feeling too thankful this year and I don't know if I ever will again. In the past, I always felt lucky that we had our family, knowing that time was precious. It was this time last year that things started to become really difficult. Gus died Thanksgiving weekend and within a few weeks, Adrienne was in unbearable pain from the tumors growing between her ribs. We got a short term gift from the Bendamustine but then it all got worse again.

Thank you for your notes to my last post. A few of them really spoke to me and it helped to know how many parents in our situation feel the same way. I don't know if I'll ever get past the guilt, but I know in my heart that the disease just became too awful, acting in a way it never had before, and Adrienne's poor little body just couldn't take any more. I found out on Thanksgiving day that another friend of ours, a young man in his 30s, died the previous weekend from Hodgkin's. He was Dr. O'Connor's patient and had done every treatment Adrienne had and more, and like Adrienne, his disease just became too aggressive. I can't describe how sad I am that there are diseases like this that take young lives.

Yes, I'm up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep. This isn't new and I find restful sleep to be the hardest thing to come by these days. I'm going to give it a try again. Good night.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

How do you decide?

Keeping busy helps but I can't do that all the time. I keep going over everything that happened the last few months in my mind, wondering if we could have done things differently. What if we had made different decisions? What if Adrienne didn't go to summer school? What if we tried another HDAC inhibitor (we were so afraid after MGCD)? What if she did more aggressive chemo in the summer? What if? What if? I don't know if I'll ever not feel guilty. We all wanted Adrienne to have a normal life after so much insanity, to not be a patient, to date and work and go to school, things she missed out on way too much. We really thought we could manage this. Adrienne knew her scans were bad the last few months but I never told her how bad, because I didn't want her to worry, I didn't want her to be scared.

I went to the Compassionate Friends meeting last night and it was a much smaller crowd, which was nice. We talked about the upcoming holidays and how we were going to deal with that. I don't think I'm especially worried and we're doing things differently this year...we'll get through it. In mid-December, we're going to Cabo for a week. We have a timeshare there that we haven't been able to use in a long time, so we'll try to use it regularly again. If anyone is interested in going with me in the spring, let me know.

Several people have mentioned upcoming trips to Las Vegas. Please, let me know when you'll be here. We enjoy having visitors and showing people around, and we have plenty of room here at our house. Don't be shy. Think of it as keeping me busy.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Guess I'm a home body

I was in the Bay Area for almost 2 weeks working. It was nice to visit everyone and catch up, and also to visit the cemetary and find freshly planted grass. But, it was nice to get home too. I'm one of those people that likes being home with all the comforts that brings. I've been catching up on chores and fixing things that were neglected the last year. I've even done some fixing up and decorating in Adrienne's room. I hope she'd like what I've done.

We were supposed to go to a Compassionate Friends meeting tonight but it was postponed because of Veteran's Day. It's getting a little easier for me to talk about things but I still dread running into people I haven't seen for a long time and getting asked, "How's your daughter?" That's a sure way to bring me to tears.

I guess 2 dogs wasn't enough so we decided to add another one. Don't worry...that's it for awhile. Adrienne always wanted another toy poodle so we got Rudy last Friday. He's a black and white parti like Moe but will be a bit bigger. The size difference doesn't seem to bother them and they play as much as they can or at least until it's nap time again. Caesar mostly watches as his arthritis has gotten really bad since the weather cooled off and he can't do the 3 mile walk with me in the mornings. No worries, Moe's always ready for a walk. Here's the 3 of them with Rudy closest to the camera.

And here's Rudy on his own. I know, he looks just like Moe with a tail.

Monday, November 02, 2009

How do you grieve?

There's no guide to grieving. There are lots of books and lots of ideas, but the best suggestion I've been given is to do what works best for me, at my own pace, so I'm taking that advice to heart and getting through each day. I cry every day, but I don't cry all day. I get up each day, try to walk a few miles, work, cook, do laundry, all the usual things. Basically, I'm staying really, really busy. Work has been crazy and the distraction has been helpful. I've started to get out a bit socially and it gets a little easier each time. The hardest part is to talk about what happened with Adrienne the last few months. I understand that every one wants to know, but still it's hard to talk about with sobbing, and hopefully it'll get easier in time. I've lost a parent, in-laws, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and it isn't the same. Nothing is like losing a child and while we won't ever "get over it," I know we'll learn to live with it.

Bekah wrote a wonderful tribute to Adrienne. I hope you can read it at: I do enjoy talking about Adrienne, looking at pictures, and remembering good times. The holidays are approaching and we're thinking about what to do for Thanksgiving, one of our favorite holidays. Usually, Adrienne would help me pick recipes and decide on a menu. This year, I think we'll go out. I keep thinking about what she would like and how hard it'll be without her. So it continues...just a day at a time.