There's no guide to grieving. There are lots of books and lots of ideas, but the best suggestion I've been given is to do what works best for me, at my own pace, so I'm taking that advice to heart and getting through each day. I cry every day, but I don't cry all day. I get up each day, try to walk a few miles, work, cook, do laundry, all the usual things. Basically, I'm staying really, really busy. Work has been crazy and the distraction has been helpful. I've started to get out a bit socially and it gets a little easier each time. The hardest part is to talk about what happened with Adrienne the last few months. I understand that every one wants to know, but still it's hard to talk about with sobbing, and hopefully it'll get easier in time. I've lost a parent, in-laws, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and it isn't the same. Nothing is like losing a child and while we won't ever "get over it," I know we'll learn to live with it.
Bekah wrote a wonderful tribute to Adrienne. I hope you can read it at: http://truebeautyneverhurries.blogspot.com/. I do enjoy talking about Adrienne, looking at pictures, and remembering good times. The holidays are approaching and we're thinking about what to do for Thanksgiving, one of our favorite holidays. Usually, Adrienne would help me pick recipes and decide on a menu. This year, I think we'll go out. I keep thinking about what she would like and how hard it'll be without her. So it continues...just a day at a time.
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17 comments:
Yes, Alison, that's all you can do - one day at a time. The holiday season will be hard for you and we will all keep thinking of you. Next year will be a little better and the year after... Would have loved to read the tribute, but the blog is for invited readers only.
Sending you love and strength!
Annie
i think about adrienne every day. she will live forever in the hearts of so many. i wish there is something, anything that could be said or done to ease the pain. i still pray for you all. love always.
Hey A --
I would really love your readers, to read the tribute. So, for the next few weeks... I'll leave it 'public.' So, we can share more memories of Adrienne.
Sending tons of love,
thinking of you everyday,
B
Hi Alison. I just wanted to say hello and check on you. Thanks for sharing the link to the tribute for Adrienne...it's very touching. Thinking of you and your family. Take care of yourself.
Jack
To Bekah, I would love to read your tribute but I get a message saying it is not "public". If you can change that or perhaps post it again here as a comment that would be lovely,
another grieving mom
Hi Alison :)
Been thinking of you a lot and hoping you're doing ok. Sounds like you're doing as good as can be expected and I'm sure each day it gets a little better.
I subscribe to the keeping yourself busy attitude too as I think it's the best way to distract yourself...
I know in my family, when we lose someone, any future discussions are always a celebration of that person and can say the good memories definately outweigh the bad ones. Even still, I know even then it's still painful...
I really liked Bekah's last passage too and wish I had a chance to get to know Adrienne better. I marvelled at her confidence and spunk! To be honest and to your credit, she was so much like you :)
Please hang in there and continue to utilize "blog therapy" as an outlet! Thanks for sharing and hope you have a great Thanksgiving out! Just think, no mess to clean up! ;)
All the best,
Chris
The cruelest thing in the world (in my opinion)is to lose a child.
I'm so sorry Alison. We think of you eveyday. My heart breaks for you as a mother.
Absolutely - one day at a time - that's all you can do.
BIG HUGS from one mom to another.
xoxoxo
Stacy
Dear Alison,
Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and Adrienne. Words can't express my feelings. I just want you to know you are in my thoughts. Hoping you can find peace and strength as each day passes,
My deepest Aloha,
Deb C.
Good to see a post from you. Think about you both everyday, but don't want to bother you. Sending you my best. Keep taking those steps . . .
Bonnie
The holidays go better for me if we do things differently than we did before. We still "celebrate" but I won't kid you that the holidays have been difficult.
I found that I had to just keep testing myself: asking, can I do this thing, this activity, this meal, and when I couldn't, I really tried to listen to myself and stop.
Take care, Alison.
Karen, Clare's mom
Thinking and remembering you often. After this weekend of Katie and Kyle's wedding I give you a call to say Hi. Sending love and ((HUGS)) as always.
Susan and Rich
Alison, I am so glad to see that you are still posting. My heart is breaking for you and I think of you every day. I only wish I could have known Adrienne, but I can imagine what a charming young woman she was. She will live forever in my heart. Take life slowly and take care of yourself.
From another suffering mom
New Hampshire
Hi Alison,
It's good to see you posting here again.
I think grieving is hard work. It is a personal journey and no one can tell you the right or wrong way to grieve. In fact, it may take a few mis-steps and there may be some setbacks along the way. My hope is that you will find comfort in each step.
With the holiday season fast approaching, you will have some tough waters to navigate. So many "firsts" in a short span of time. I love your idea of trying something new for Thanksgiving. A new tradition.
Bekah's tribute to Adrienne is just beautiful. It gives a taste of what at an extraordinary (yet also ordinary) young lady Adrienne was.
Take care.
A Mom (in Texas)
Alison ~ I'm a lurker who has followed Adrienne's story for a while now. How sorry I am for your loss. My daugther died at birth - a very different kind of loss than yours. It was the most difficult thing my husband and I have ever been through (and we've both lost our parents, grandparent, etc). Knowing how much pain we were in after our daughter's death - and then trying to imagine living through one of my older childrens' death is unimaginable. My heart just breaks for you and your family. I just wanted to tell you some things that made it more bearable for us.....talking to others who had suffered the same type of loss (support group....in person or online)...nothing like talking to someone who is walking in your shoes or who has walked in them....journaling....staying busy....not pushing yourself to do things you're not ready to do just because you feel like it's expected (especially around the holidays where there are so many parties and get togethers). You're in my prayers.
Emm
You are right, Alison - there is no grief equal to the loss of a child, no matter the age. My dad died aged 48 and I sat beside my grandad at the funeral and just felt his sorrow. And he and my dad weren't that close - so your sorrow and loss can only be infinitely deeper. But through the pain, eventually, you will find joy in all the amazing times you had together......through the nightmare you both lived, you had each other, you were closer than most mothers and daughters and that is something to cherish......wishing I could do more........in the meantime know you are always in our thoughts and we're sending you all the strength and love we can muster.........<3
Hi Alison,
I know that it's difficult and, to say that it's best to take things "one day at a time" may, very well, sound easy but, we know that it's quite the contrary.
As we all spoke about over the weekend, doing that which is best for YOU, right now, is what's most important. Nobody can tell you what that is; you probably don't even know what that is and... from one day to the next, it'll be a different scenario. Just take things as they come; there are no reasons for explanations.
Please, just take care of YOU (as Janna "Mom" always tells me) and remember that, no matter what, you're justified in feeling whatever it is that you're going to feel.
Thanks for spending time with Penny, Deb and me on Sunday; I can't tell you how much it meant to have that opportunity to sit and chat... and "catch up" on things.
I'll be in touch and, please... whenever you feel the need, know that you can pick up the phone and call me... any time at all!
I love you, very much!
Always,
Sandy
Alison so glad to see your post. I think of you everyday and what you must be going through. I hope each day becomes easier for you. Bekah wrote a beautiful tribute to Adrienne, one I know must have made you proud. Take each day at a time, that is all you can do. Hope that soon you will be able to remember all the beautiful memories instead of sad ones.
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