Thankful? No, I'm not feeling too thankful this year and I don't know if I ever will again. In the past, I always felt lucky that we had our family, knowing that time was precious. It was this time last year that things started to become really difficult. Gus died Thanksgiving weekend and within a few weeks, Adrienne was in unbearable pain from the tumors growing between her ribs. We got a short term gift from the Bendamustine but then it all got worse again.
Thank you for your notes to my last post. A few of them really spoke to me and it helped to know how many parents in our situation feel the same way. I don't know if I'll ever get past the guilt, but I know in my heart that the disease just became too awful, acting in a way it never had before, and Adrienne's poor little body just couldn't take any more. I found out on Thanksgiving day that another friend of ours, a young man in his 30s, died the previous weekend from Hodgkin's. He was Dr. O'Connor's patient and had done every treatment Adrienne had and more, and like Adrienne, his disease just became too aggressive. I can't describe how sad I am that there are diseases like this that take young lives.
Yes, I'm up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep. This isn't new and I find restful sleep to be the hardest thing to come by these days. I'm going to give it a try again. Good night.
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8 comments:
Dear Alison,
I am sorry that sleep is hard to come by these days. So much on your mind.
"I don't know if I'll ever get past the guilt." I know that feeling. I don't normally share this online, but I lost a baby. It's been nine years, and sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. Nagging guilt and unanswered questions. I suspect it will always be with me. It is part of who I am and part of my story.
I pray for rest for your body and your mind. Be kind to yourself.
A Mom (in Texas - who spent a few years in the Almaden area of San Jose)
Alison;
wish I could say something helpful, but I guess I can't. The guilt you feel is natural and it will probably stick with you, but over time it will subside as you learn to deal with it. The happy memories she gave you will take over and even mixed with the sadness you feel, they will make you proud and thankful for who she was and for the time she was with you.
Especially now for the Christmas Season, I go back in time and hear her sing 'Rudolph' when she was 5 years old. She loved it and I think I even have a recording of it somewhere.
I copy what the other mom said: Be kind to yourself!!
Love to you, Curt and Daniel!
~A.
i wish for you some sleep and some peace. i admire you as a wonderful mom. you are and have been an inspiration. wish i had a magic wand. blessings to you. robin
Dear Alison,
I have not posted because I did not feel that I had anything worthy to say to you. I still feel that way. I only wanted you to know that so many strangers, and I am one of them, are thinking of you every day and grieving right along with you. I think "be kind to yourself" is such worthy advice. Thank you for posting every so often.
from Another grieving mom across the coast
Just a short note to let you know I'm thinking about you. I hope wonderful, warm memories will help to ease the sadness and even bring a few smiles and laughs your way. Sending lots of big hugs to you, Alison. Janet
Just want you to know that while I don't leave comments often, I think of you all the time.
Sending love,
Kerri
kjs4usc
Yeah, I have issues with Thanksgiving too . . . too many bad anniversaries coincide with this time of year.
Good luck with the sleeping--it was an issue for me too for a long time. I got very ritualistic about bedtime routines and limiting caffeine, etc. Sort of funny now, but sleep deprivation is such torture.
Take care,
Karen, Clare's mom
So hard Alison, I just wish you didn't have to keep suffering so much pain and sorrow, you have had so much already. I guess the measure of what you are feeling directly correlates to amount of love and depth of your connection with Adrienne. It makes your loss so much harder .. and you wouldn't be feeling it so much if you hadn't been so close. I don't suppose it will ever go away. I do hope that with time the feeling of pain and loss will shift a little and be a little easier for you. We all wish we had a magic wand for you. I would like to join others in encouraging you to be kind and take good care of yourself. With loving thoughts and caring Penny
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