I think most of us think that time heals all ills. I used to think that but not any more. If anything, I think it gets worse and worse. As more time passes, I realize how final this is, that Adrienne isn't coming back. The more time passes, the further away she gets. I worry that I'll forget about things, that she'll be further from my life. Now we have to order the headstone. I found out that some parents wait years to do this but we have to since the unveiling is coming up. I worked on the words but my sister, Diana, is taking care of the details because I just can't do it. It's too final. So I guess the bottom line is, time doesn't help.
This weekend, a year ago, was Adrienne's college graduation. The last year of college was so incredibly difficult, chemo, surgeries, hospitalizations, pneumonias, but she was so tough and determined. I'm incredibly proud of her and everything she accomplished. She was happy and proud and it was too shortlived. I hope you'll continue to think of her.
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Adrienne was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease in 1996 at age 9. She had multiple relapses, two bone marrow transplants, and a range of chemos and radiation therapies, and passed away on October 1, 2009. We are heartbroken.
Out with the Girls
About Adrienne
- Adrienne
- Adrienne was very much like others with Hodgkin's Lymphoma, the most common cancer in teens and young adults. What was unusual is that she had it for more than half her life and ultimately, it took her life. Hodgkin's is curable for about 80% people, but Adrienne was one of the 20% for whom a cure was elusive. She considered herself lucky since treatments had been there for her with each relapse but she ran out of treatment options and her body just couldn’t take any more. As she said, "Though I’ve now had cancer for most of my life, I no longer plan my life around it; instead, I try to plan cancer around my life." We hope you can take inspiration from her and how she lived her life.
14 comments:
Hi Alison,
I still think about Adrienne and I never knew her. I will even admit to going back and re-reading the entries over the past year. I can't tell you why, though. I only know she was an inspiration and so determined to achieve what she set out to do.
May 14th was the anniversary of my father's death and he died 24 years ago; he died three weeks before my graduation with a Ph.D. His birthday is this week. After all these years, there has not been one day--not one--that I don't think about him. I don't think time ever heals that kind of loss. The pain does not stay as horribly intense but life is different after losing someone you love. Sometimes he feels far away and sometimes, very near. I cannot imagine what that pain is like when it comes to a child.
Your grief is so new and raw and I think and hope that with time, it won't always be feeling as if the world tipped off its axis. I hope you don't think I am making assumptions about how you feel.
Take care,
JoAnn
I will always be thinking of her and never forget our time together. NEVER!
Hugs, Annie
You are absolutely right, at least that is what I have found, the pain is somehow even worse as the shock wears away and the reality hits home and a reality that can never be changed because any "hope" the thing we clung to for so long died along with our child.... whilst there was hope there was no finality .....now we are left disabled...... I can't really explain it properly but it is like we only have part of our senses left to us. We can see the flatness of a photo but not the three dimensional child we carried and loved , sense of touch , smell, hearing are lost to us. And logically we know the finality but the emptiness and void within us cries to be fulfilled once more with the child we loved..it is like a horrible form of starvation ... no it isn't getting easier .not around this household anyway.... .you aren't alone and I can't help but I understand...... Loraine
I agree with you. I do not think anyone could possibly "get over" such a loss. I feel like there is an ebb and flow to grief. There are all sorts of triggers (graduation memories, a holiday, a certain movie, a special meal) that bring your grief back into the forefront. The grief feeling as raw as the day Adrienne passed. There are also stretches of time where the grief subsides a bit - not that it goes away, but it is held at bay.
You will always be Adrienne's mother. No one and nothing can take that away from you. Over time, all of the memories may not be as "fresh," but they will remain a part of you forever. Adrienne will always be with you in that sense.
It's just so unfair that it has to be this way in the first place. I know that you long to have Adrienne back. You mourn the loss of her future and her adult life. I am so very sorry that your heart is broken.
A Mom
Alison, I want you to know that though I never got the chance to meet her, I do think of Adrienne still every day. I imagine that those who were lucky enough to know Adrienne think of her even more.
I remember when she graduated from college-being amazed at how strong she was to go through so much and end up with such an accomplishment.
Her impact here has not stopped, she encourages me to try harder.
I wish as always I could help take the sadness and pain away. I do pray for you.
Love to you always...
I have been thinking about walking around Old Town Pasadena with you and Adrienne the day after her graduation a year ago. The memory is still so fresh in my mind. My heart breaks knowing the sadness you feel each and every day. All I can do is let you know that I think of you often and send warm, loving and supportive ((HUGS)).
Susan
I remember the feeling of complete and utter awe that Adrienne achieved so much throughout her illness - she could have so easily used Hodgkin's as an excuse to shy away from life's challenges, but instead she chose to stand right up to the plate and knock life for six - and didn't she just! I was so thrilled and delighted that she graduated - as you say it was such a tough year leading up to it, but as always, she succeeded.......I wonder where she got that determination, guts and intelligence from, Alison.......???
No, Adrienne will NEVER be forgotten here.........<3
I never got to meet Adrienne, but she was - and still is - a shining star to me. I think about her often. I think about you, too.
Love,
Lisa
Dear Alison,
I think of Adrienne A LOT. I am in awe of her courage and determination. She was a beautiful person and it makes me sad that is she is "not here" anymore. She is very much in our hearts, though. And that is a great gift.
Alyson, i read your post and cry...time can heal many things but not the loss of someone you truly love. Your daughter was amazing, i never knew her but you both were such a great team that supported so many people who had Hodgkins.
I just lost my father who was everything to me. He was incredible person and was seriously ill for almost 7 years...All those years were full of worries and fear and pain. I still cannot realize that i am alive and he is not here.But I strongly believe that one day I will see him...
Hi Alison,
I never knew Adrienne and I have never met you, but I pray for you everytime I say a rosary. For you, I pray for healing each and everytime. There is great merit in suffering, both in hers and yours, but of course, we dont know everything (why?) until the next life. Adrienne already knows what all this was for; there are so many wounds and unanswered questions for you which must make this journey incredibly difficult.
The grief you are tasked with daily must be excrutiating as you are bearing the grief of losing a child, but also grieving the role of taking care of her daily. When she passed away, you lost both - a huge part of you are daily (caretaker - what you do daily) and of course, a beautiful child. Alison, that is a huge loss.
This is all so very fresh.
I will continue to pray for you until you ask me not to - I am asking for God to give you the grace to sustain you while you heal. Hang in there, thanks for updating, it gives people the opportunity to know how you are doing.
God bless you always.
I still think of Adrienne often. She will always be an inspiration to me, and an example of how to not let physical health dictate your lot in life. I will never forget her story.
Hi Alison,
I think about you and Adrienne. I'm not on the forum very often but noticed that you are still helping posters - you are terrific.
Thanks for continuing to stay in touch through Adrienne's website and the forum. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I hope your trips are restful and enjoyable.
xoxoxox
Ann
((((((Alison)))))) Just want to send you a big hug <3
Gitte
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