1997

"1997 was the year I beat cancer."

This was the first line of an essay Adrienne wrote in 5th grade, a few months after finishing her first round of treatment. We all thought it was true and were working hard at getting back to normal. I so wish it were true. I found the essay while seaching for my college diploma and cried the rest of the day - no diploma but I did receive my transcript and have graduate standing at UNLV.

Are things better? It's not really like that, more like a roller coaster of downs and better days. My nephews had their bar mitzvah last weekend and between tears, mine, I managed to do my part in the ceremony and enjoy the party that night.

I start class next week. We'll see how it goes.

What's Next?

I definitely need something new and different to take my attention. Work has been great but I need a new challenge so I've decided to go back to school. I'll be taking a summer class just after the 4th of July to see how it feels and then will work toward applying for the Fall 2011 term. First, I need to take the dreaded GRE, dreaded because I don't remember the math. I looked it over and I remember the terms so hopefully it'll come right back to me. In the meantime, I can take as many classes as I want at UNLV. First up is a masters in Educational Psychology followed by a PhD. I know, these are big, long range plans (about 6 years worth) and we'll have to see how it goes but I'm not planning to make myself crazy over this. Just taking it a day at a time. Long term, I'd like to teach at a university level and maybe do a bit of research.

Last week, I went to Cabo with my sister and a friend. It was great and a good opportunity. The weather was perfect and we were happy to lay by the pool most days. I'm ready to go back already.

I don't think I've posted a picture of Rudy so here you go with his buddy Moe (Rudy is the bigger one with more white on his face). I call them "Dink" (Moe) and "Bigger Dink" (Rudy).



And we don't want to leave Caesar out. It seems like I can only get a picture when he's laying down, which he does most of the time and he won't let Moe and Rudy in the picture with him.

Time

I think most of us think that time heals all ills. I used to think that but not any more. If anything, I think it gets worse and worse. As more time passes, I realize how final this is, that Adrienne isn't coming back. The more time passes, the further away she gets. I worry that I'll forget about things, that she'll be further from my life. Now we have to order the headstone. I found out that some parents wait years to do this but we have to since the unveiling is coming up. I worked on the words but my sister, Diana, is taking care of the details because I just can't do it. It's too final. So I guess the bottom line is, time doesn't help.

This weekend, a year ago, was Adrienne's college graduation. The last year of college was so incredibly difficult, chemo, surgeries, hospitalizations, pneumonias, but she was so tough and determined. I'm incredibly proud of her and everything she accomplished. She was happy and proud and it was too shortlived. I hope you'll continue to think of her.

Dark Days

To say that things have been rough lately is putting it mildly. If I didn't have work and dogs that need to go out, I'd probably stay in bed all day. I'm sorry for not returning emails and phone calls. I get them and really appreciate the thoughts. Please be patient with me as I try to figure this out.

Last week, I decided to send a note of complaint to NVCI about "a-hole" doctor. You can read about him if you go back to the blog for last September. My sister's in-laws are physicians and always encouraged me to write to the chief of staff when we had a legitimate complaint. In all these years, I only wrote once (besides last week) when there was an issue regarding a surgery Adrienne had when she was 10. I spoke with the chief medical officer for an hour, who it turns out, was a transplant doc at Moffit Cancer Center in Tampa for 16 years, so she was well acquainted with the type of medical issues Adrienne had. I'm so glad we talked. She's going to take some very direct action with the doctor, providing counseling and direction, and patients will now be able to decline to see a doctor when inpatient. She also wants me to participate in some patient advocacy and resident/fellowship training, which I'd like to do. I generally think there's a lack of patient input and understanding on the part of medical professionals and especially oncologists. I'm thinking of doing a talk titled "When you say this, we hear that."

I'm hoping that a few trips in the near future will help: Tucscon for a long weekend, a week in Cabo with the girls, and 2 weeks at the end of July in the Bay Area (some work, some vacation). I always love having visitors here too and we have plenty of room.