We're getting through the days but it all seems so unreal, so unfair. I keep thinking that Adrienne will walk through the door, that this is all a bad dream, but I know it isn't. I cried so much while she was in the hospital and in the days after that I don't have a lot of tears left right now and I feel like I'm in a fog. The worst times are when the mail comes with condolence cards and notices of donations in "memory of Adrienne Boardman." Then I know it's real.
I made it sound like it was a choice to take Adrienne off the ventilator, but it wasn't really a choice. In fact, we didn't think she'd make it through the night before. The ventilator was maxed out and alarming constantly because it couldn't give her the oxygen she needed and she was in pain. Once the fungal infection set in, her breathing got worse and worse and there was no way to make it better. The nurses came in and said we were giving Adrienne a gift but I never thought of it that way and I won't. I'm so angry at this cancer that took her from us.
Adrienne used to read the New York Times constantly and would send me links to interesting articles. She recently sent me an article about moms and their grown daughters who talked every day and shared everything. She was happy that she wasn't the only one, that it was okay to be so close to your mom. I miss those articles. I miss everything about her.
I have so many notes and calls and I'm sorry for not getting back to people. I'm just focusing on getting through each day. I'm working again and will be in the Bay Area the last week of October and the first week of November, so I'll be able to catch up then. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts.
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Adrienne was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease in 1996 at age 9. She had multiple relapses, two bone marrow transplants, and a range of chemos and radiation therapies, and passed away on October 1, 2009. We are heartbroken.
Out with the Girls
About Adrienne
- Adrienne
- Adrienne was very much like others with Hodgkin's Lymphoma, the most common cancer in teens and young adults. What was unusual is that she had it for more than half her life and ultimately, it took her life. Hodgkin's is curable for about 80% people, but Adrienne was one of the 20% for whom a cure was elusive. She considered herself lucky since treatments had been there for her with each relapse but she ran out of treatment options and her body just couldn’t take any more. As she said, "Though I’ve now had cancer for most of my life, I no longer plan my life around it; instead, I try to plan cancer around my life." We hope you can take inspiration from her and how she lived her life.
20 comments:
You are right, Alison. This is so unfair...I don't have any magic words to make you feel any better. I just want you to know my thoughts and prayers continue to be with you on a daily basis. I'm hoping the pain begins to lessen a little with each passing day.
Not only in my thoughts, but in my prayers - For strength, and peace, and grace.
Sending love,
Lisa
I still check Adrienne's blog everyday. I never met her but somehow felt I knew her and you through this blog. My heart still aches for you and I am very saddened by what has happened. I have 2 daughters and I can only imagine the pain you are going through and how much you miss her. You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers. I hope the days get better and you can cherish all the happy memories and wonderful times you and Adrienne had together.
Hugs from Donna Boston MA
So glad you posted, you have been in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sure you do feel like your in a fog. There are different stages of grief and sure you will go through them all. I pray for comfort and peace to engulf you with each passing day.
I have never left a comment but Adrienne's story has been such a source of strength to me since I found out my diagnosis in 2008. My heart is broken with her passing.
I have stage IV Hodgkin's Lymphoma as well, and I could kick the people who initially told me that beating this disease would be a walk in the park.
It has taken me some time to build up the courage to write to you, but I am desperate for advice, if you can or feel able to give any. Please, if you choose to disregard my requests, I understand whole-heartedly. I do not want to be insensitive and offend your family.
I am at a point where conventional treatments have not worked for me; I've had four types of chemo, radiation, and one clinical trial (Lenalidomide, or Revlimid).
My current cancer facility is out of treatments and trials for me and so I must travel to MD Anderson in Houston as the next step to try and join a clinical trial. The problem is, I have no credible insurance that they will accept and I must pay nearly $45,000 up-front to begin treatment there (for new scans, biopsies, etc.)
I was wondering if you knew of any institutions, charities, or organizations which could help me raise this money.
My tumors are still small now and my health is good, so I have some time to do what is needed to organize all of this. I hope to gather what I need soon, though.
Again, I hope not to offend you and your family with this note, but I am desperate and turning to anyone who might be able to give me advice.
If you are interested, I have a blog of my journey; http://rachel2000.blogforacure.com/weblog
Adrienne is in my heart and thoughts always, and I hope I have half of her guts to get me through these trials. Your family is in my prayers.
With love and respect,
Rachel Rice- St. Louis, MO
I am checking here often to see what you will say. To stumble to try to express my support and heartache for you. To say how lucky you were to have her and be so close in hearts and how unfair it is that she left too soon. It's wrong and it wont' be right but it was still wonderful while she was here.
Do anything which gets you through the days, Alison. This is your time to be angry, to cry, to sit, to hug those close to you....know that we're as incredulous as you and we're right there with you, constantly sending love and strength your way........<3
Alison, I think you probably remember this, but we had the same experience at the end with Clare in that the machines just didn't work for her anymore.
I know you'll get through the days . . . and I know it will be hard. There is nothing else to say to it. I was also overwhelmed by the outpouring at the end, but found that people were fine with my non-response, the ones who mattered, anyway.
Karen, Clare's mom
You don't know me and we will never meet but know that I am with you. I look for your blog everyday, still. I have lit a candle for a young woman I will never meet. Seven days is not enough, you are right to keep her light burning. I can't tell you that the numbness will pass. I can't tell you that this will get more tolerable in some small way because I don't know that it will. Just know that my heart and thoughts are with you every day and they always will be. When you might think that others have forgotten your pain because "it's been long enough" remember that I will still think of you and Adrienne - another suffering mom from across the coast
Dear Alison,
Thank you for taking a few moments to update the blog. Numb is a great word to sum up how you must be feeling. Like it's a bad dream and you are watching someone else go through the motions of day-to-day life.
I am heartbroken that Adrienne is gone. Having lost the day-to-day connection that you and Adrienne shared, every single day must feel like an eternity. I am so sorry. It is not fair.
I have you in my prayers Alison. Prayers for comfort as you find your way through this journey of grief.
I made a donation in Adrienne's memory. I was honored to do that.
A Mom
Alison, There aren't really any words to say.... I can't imagine the pain you are in. I hate this disease too, more every day. Just know we are thinking of you (non-stop) and grieving with you. Again, thank you for sharing Adrienne with us. We sure can learn a lot from her. Hugs to you, Erin and Zach
Alison, I still have no words to express my sorrow. This has been a big blow for all of us. I wouldn't even pretend I know how you feel, I can only imagine the pain. I am so sorry. I miss Adrienne too. I can't believe she's not home where she belongs.
I made a donation to Fight2Win, but there was nowhere to write "in memory of Adrienne", so I'm just letting you know.
We love you and Adrienne very much. Hugs, Marsha
Hi there,
Numb is a relief and it helps you get through days. Glad you are working. I think you know I went back to work very quickly too and it continues to be good for me. At least it helps.
I know what you mean about the cards; especially In Memory of.... I can't write it.
I admire your ability to blog. Maybe I will go back to writing in a more public forum....
Love ya,
K
Alison, I wish there was something that I could do to make your pain a little more bearable :( A mother will mourn her child till her own death, that's just how life is :(
Try to remember though how amazing Adrienne was and how much of an inspiration she was to all of us.
Lots of Love and Prayers,
Cathy
Hi my friend....I haven't posted here all week...but that doesn't mean that I haven't been thinking of you very often. I can only imagine the struggle that being at home without Adrienne has been this week. Continue to feel all our love and prayers that you find some peace and that the pain lessens a bit as the days pass. It will take a while for you to find your new "norm"...but it will come with time. I know you have lots to do with work to keep you extra busy in the coming weeks. Be sure to take some time for yourself each day to sit an relax and pamper yourself.
Sending loving ((HUGS)) as always,
Susan and Rich
xoxox
Alison,
Thinking of you and sending you strength to get through today...
I know you lost of piece of you with Adrienne's passing and hoping as time goes by the pain becomes more and more manageable.
Take good care,
Chris
I only just heard about this tragedy. Adrienne was an elementary and middle school friend; she was in and out of school after the first remission. I still remember when the teachers had to explain to us what it meant for her to be kept in a clean room, to avoid germs. The only part I understood from that day was that we weren't allowed to visit, or we could get her sick. I deeply regret not making more of an effort to keep in touch. It had never occurred to me that she could lose this battle. Of course we knew about the risks but it just didn't seem possible that it could ever happen to Adrienne. It still doesn't really make sense. She always bounced back. I don't have a single memory of her seeming frail-she was always on her feet and smiling.
What I do remember of her: she was truly the living embodiment of grace and warmth and she really never let the cancer bring her down. I remember a group of us were playing on Argonaut's field during recess and, being children and thinking that the most serious part of cancer was hair loss, we tried to assure her that her hair was still thick and nobody could tell. Adrienne just laughed, telling us she was okay with her hair loss; she even ran her fingers through her hair and showed us how easily it was falling out, letting the wind take a handful of blond hair. In the end, she reassured US that she was perfectly fine. I remember that wispy blond hair grew back in the most luxurious, beautiful brown curls we'd ever seen, and she called herself lucky.
Adrienne was just always so strong and mature beyond her years. She even rallied our (I want to say, 4th grade) class together to have a finger knitting sale at school to raise money for cancer research. We spent all recess and lunch looping yarn around our fingers to make headbands, bracelets and necklaces. Even the boys participated! Well, at least the ones who let curiousity overcome cooties.
My heart goes out to you, Adrienne, and to your family and friends. To this day, whenever I see a brunette with a cute bob or a "Lassie dog", I think of you. (and that adorable dog you brought in for Show and Tell Day- Prince, was it?).
In fact, it was seeing a picture of a collie puppy that reminded me of Adrienne, spurring me to do a little bit of Facebook stalking! I didn't expect to come across this sad news.
I saw the TIRT post; please keep us updated on this run. there are plenty in our community who would rally together again in her memory.
I thought by now, I would definitely find some words. I just think it takes such great strength A, to keep blogging. To keep going. I'm not sure how you or Kathy or any other mom do it.
But, it blows me away every day.
Just as Adrienne always did. The will to keep moving.
Even though I'm short of words these days. Know, my thoughts are constantly. with you, everyday.
Just a phone call away (when/if you're ready).
LOVE you.
B
Alison,
You did everything that you could possibly do for Adrienne. The point of the matter is that, when it came right down to it... you DIDN'T have a choice; you did what was best for Adrienne... you always have and, SHE KNEW that.
Although it isn't comparable, the pain and numbness that you feel are shared. Adrienne was, and always will be, such a special and important part of the lives of the people who knew her.
It isn't fair and... it never was but, Adrienne fought like heck and, all along, with that beautiful smile upon her face and a positive dispostition. She taught us the importance of life and that NOTHING can be taken for granted.
My continued thoughts and prayers for peace and comfort are with all of your family and a special place in my heart will always remain for Adrienne and for you!
Love,
Sandy
Dear Alison,
I haven't posted in a while as I wanted to give you a little time and space. Just want to let you know that I think about you and the family every day. Thank you for sharing the updated video of Adrienne. It's so beautiful. All my love, Janet
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