Most days, I do okay. I work, I take care of the house, I walk the dogs, I cook, the usual day to day things. But here and there, something just takes my breath away. This week, it's "Dancing with the Stars." The new season started last fall while Adrienne was in the hospital. I left the TV on much of the time, mostly for background noise. When Adrienne was awake, she held the remote but after she was put on the vent, I would ask her if she wanted to watch this or that and she would nod. I knew what programs she liked so it was easy. Her last "good" day was the Monday before she died. Uncle Kent stayed with her for awhile so I could go home and get cleaned up. When I got back to the hospital, Kent was telling her stories and she seemed to enjoy them. Later that night, I asked if she wanted to watch "Dancing with the Stars" and she nodded yes. That was the last "conversation" we had.
A friend asked me recently if Compassionate Friends is helpful. I'm not sure myself. I've learned some good coping mechanisms and have received some good advice, but I think it's making things harder right now. Of course, losing a child is the worst thing that can happen but, even in that, we have different experiences and different relationships with our children. I'm not comparing or saying that one is worse than the other, it's just different. I find it hard to imagine what it would be like to have a drug addicted 28 year old who commits suicide, just as that parent can't imagine what it's like to have a sick child for many years. I find myself crying on the way to the meeting and for days afterward, which doesn't seem productive. There's also an online group of parents who lost a child to cancer. I read the posts and occasionally post myself but I even find it hard to relate to some of those people's experience. Reading about grief isn't very helpful either. So, I guess I'll take a little break from all of the support stuff for now.
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9 comments:
I can't say i know how you feel...but sometimes I wonder about these support groups, and how they work....I've been to a few myself and I often felt worse after beign there...listening to "raw" stories of pain didn't make me feel better at these meetings, so I don't blame you for avoiding them for a bit. Know that we are all still with you. There is barely a day that goes by where Ihaven't thought of you and Adrienne and the other warriors who fight from up above now. HUGS!!
Hi Alison,
Just wanted to say hello. I still think about Adrienne a lot and follow your blog regularly. It's good that you are finding your own ways to cope that work for you. You were really great to me while dealing with what Adrienne was going through. I know we've never met, but if there's anything I can ever do for you that would be of help, please say the word.
Take care,
Jack
For what it is worth the black hole that comes with this grieving
http://thatwoman.wordpress.com/2010/03/10/you-have-a-collect-call-from/
occasionally spits me out and I too try to get through a day but I am dragged back.
I understand what you are saying, my Dr. said no one but someone who has walked in your shoes as a mother can even understand a little bit of the attack that you are undergoing... and it is an attack.how you counter that attack on your very being is best known to you, do not set time limits or methodology self imposed or otherwise you know what is best for you . So I take each hour as it comes and try and that is all one can do and I truly understand the depth of your pain.... Loraine
I too have found the traditional 'grief support' somewhat difficult. Some of it is just timing, I have good days and frankly, the online or in person grief support or counselling can just send me spiraling down when I have been coping well. I am very in touch with my emotions and don't feel the need to force them anymore than they already force themselves. Maybe I will feel differently at another time. I am leaving myself open to take whatever steps seem sensible for me. It is VERY individual I think.
Reading an interesting book right now that presents an alternate view of grief rather than the 'stages of grief'. I found that we worked through the stages of grief many times during Eric's illness and they don't really apply to me now . I have a feeling that a grief counsellor may say that I am firmly in denial!! I know reading hasn't been helpful for you Alison, but if I learn anything that seems to make more sense, I'll pass it along.
Keep on keeping on.
K
When I saw the title of your post, it created the most wonderful image in my mind of your gorgeously, graceful daughter, dancing with the stars.....
no words....just love and hugs <3
I wish I could return the relief you and your daughter have given to so many cancer survivors. Before I received my transplant you and Adrienne were so helpful. Unbelieveably so. You gave me your cell phones and told me to call either of you at any time. You gave me great, thoughtful and thorough advice online. Even now, you continue to help so many of us online even though all of us understand if you just can't. I struggle every day with my disease. During the more difficult times I mentally ask the people who I know who have passed on to help me. I never met Adrienne but still I ask her to give me strength. She's out there somewhere in the universe. I know that. She gives me strength and I take on my cancerous nodes with surefire determination. Thank you for being you. Thank you for having Adrienne. When I'm in pain, she's there.
Michael Herlehy
"Herls"
It totally makes sense that it would be hard to go to support meetings. Perhaps not being able to relate to someone else who has lost a child is a factor, but also, I think it would be tough to relive the feelings over and over. Although I have never met you or Adrian, I know that through losing her, you were very close to her and have wonderful memories. Perhaps, that is not always the case with the other families in the support group.
Due to the nature of a support group, they have people who are in are often in great need to be heard, grieve, cry, et al - and while you are going through your own grieving process, I imagine it is extremely difficult to give to those who are their to take especially if you feel as if you are emotionally fragile after losing your own child and don't necessarily have a ton to give to someone else who is grieving.
I know that in times of my life where I had great loss, I found it more theraputic to be in nature or with those who could somehow elevate me because I was not capable of emotionally giving to anyone.
I am keeping you in my rosary that God gives you what you need. God bless you.
As I read all your posts, there are parts of what you say that I have heard my mother say to me. In 1993, i had a subarachnoid hemorrhage from a ruptured brain aneurysm. It was very bad and the neurosurgeon prepared my family that in all likelihood, I would die. Much later, my mother told me how she was feeling and what she was thinking as I lay there in a coma. She felt that black hole in anticipation of my expected death. I am touched by your pain and grief and I find it somewhat surreal to find that a lot of what you have been saying, my own mother said to me, about me, but in an anticipatory way.
I have no children and cannot imagine how it is for a mother to watch her child suffer and/or die. I know I felt heartbroken for my mother that she felt that way about me. I hope my post makes some sense; it is so hard to put this sort of stuff into words.
I admire you and I wish I could be of some help or comfort.
Take care, Alison
.
Alison, thinking of you and Adrienne a lot lately. Jenna and Carol completing their event for Adrienne, driving nearby your old home in Saratoga, having contact with Jack A and Doug Booth ... and lots and lots of other memories and reminders. It always feels sad but also give me a warm serene feeling and a smile to remember your sweet daughter. We are all so blessed to have shared time with Adrienne. Big hugs Penny
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