It's hard to believe that Adrienne left us four months ago today. Much of that time has been a blur. They tell me that numbness is what helps us cope. I often have vivid dreams about Adrienne and last night dreamt about her wedding. I so wish that we'd have that day.
I still receive condolence cards from time to time. Last week, I got one from Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center. I'm not sure how they heard but she was involved in a number of their long term studies and always wanted to help. I assume that one of her more recent doctors informed them when they got yet another form to fill out, but Adrienne always did them happily.
I received another card that I'd like to share. "Dear Alison, I'm sorry this card took so long to send. Everytime I sat down to write it, my emotions got the best of me. As you know, she was perfect. Pretty, intelligent, and a wonderful personality. I can't even imagine the pain of your suffering. The only positive thing I can say from the heart is...you didn't have her long enough but she was perfect in every way the time you did. I pray a lot."
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13 comments:
Alison,
I'm sure these milestone days are among the toughest to get through. I hope that with time the memories of your beautiful Adrienne will shine so brightly that they will dry all your tears away and overshadow the sadness. I know that will never happen completely, but it is my hope that the balance will shift for you.
My heart goes out to you.
Kathy
Hi Alison, I just read your blog. I am very sad for you today.
This really sucks, I am so sorry!
I wish I could be there to give you a hug.
take care,
love, deb (blake)
alison,
that is such a beautiful note. although i only knew adrienne online and through you, i am able to say that those words describing adrienne are absolutely true.
i find myself also struggling with the "right" words. words to comfort you and your family. but it's hard, because the truth is i'm still so very sad that adrienne is gone.
but, she is still on my mind, as are you, often. every day. last night i offered up another prayer on your behalf. i have the faith to know that adrienne is free from pain, free from the body you both fought so hard to save.
however, you are left behind with a huge piece of your life, your love, missing. i prayed that somehow you will be comforted and in some way will feel peace.
i can't imagine how hard it is for you. adrienne was your child, your daughter. but more than that, it was easy to see that she was your friend as well. and in my years as a nurse and then a cancer patient, i have never seen someone fight so hard for their loved one's care and treatment as you did for adrienne. you are an absolutely amazing mother and advocate.
one day i know that you will be able to see adrienne again. that you will be able to embrace her. and will have forever with each other in perfect peace.
until then please know that adrienne is loved by so many, as are you. she made an everlasting impact. not a day goes by that so many of us who had the opportunity to share in her life and yours, do not remember her or think of you. wishing you any comfort that is possible.
thank you. for so much. for sharing your beautiful and inspiring daughter with us. for always keeping us updated on adrienne's life. for being an advocate and huge help to those of us who have been in the fight with lymphoma or had a loved one who was. and for continuing to update us on you and your family.
i know that we all want to remain connected and help where we can. and if there is anything, at all, that we could do to help you as you have helped us, please ask.
lots of love to you and your family...
always,
heather
Grief is such a long, difficult process, Alison, but you seem to be coping so well. I only had one very vivid dream after my dad died and at the time it was very hard as, on waking, it was almost like losing him all over again - but now, with time to cushion the loss, I get great comfort from that dream and I hope you will too.......thinking of you always and wishing you continued strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other in the amazing way that you do..........<3
Alison,
I too am going through the grieving process it will be two months on Wednesday. My blog which was never about any one thing in particular has been consumed by my need to search for my son Chris - long story - I wrote something yesterday about "triggers" and also the broken heart manifesting itself physically .... .my husband literally choking on his own emotions.
I know what you are feeling and my heart is also sore pained within me for those of us left behind.. you have more than my sympathy you have my complete understanding Loraine
Oh how I love the dreams. I dreamt of both Eric and Adrienne one night. Adrienne was very happy. It seemed like she was in the audience waiting for a play to start. She waved at us. The dreams are very very vivid...
Hugs,
Kathy
Alison,
Doesn't seem like 4 months...
Nothing profound to say except please hang in there and continue to let time do the healing.
I think you (as always) are doing a remarkable job handling this.
Thanks for the e-mail earlier :)
Take care,
Chris
I also have to say I marvel at how tough Adrienne was... Now being in position to have to jump from Tx to Tx, I know the mental anguish. Knowing how manu times she had to "adjust" makes me respect her even more...
I hope I'm as tough as she was!
Dearest Alison,
I suspect these past four months have been the longest in your life. So full of raw emotion, yet so empty without Adrienne here. I wish there was a way to bring her back to you so you could go to her wedding and all the milestones that come after that. I feel as though her story ended too soon.
Your friend is right when they say that Adrienne was prefect. She had all the qualities that a mother wants in a daughter and a friend. You did a wonderful job raising her Alison.
You remain in my prayers. Although time is going by, Adrienne is not forgotten.
A Mom
Dear Alison,
Just wanted to let you know that you're on my mind. I think of you, often.. and I pray for you and your family.
Just know that... I love you and... I love Adrienne! Her spirit's all around us!
Miss you!
Lots of love, always...
Sandy
Alison: I finally got the courage to read your posts for the week or so leading up to your beautiful daughter's passing...... God it was like de ja vu with my own son.....your feelings, the experiences with nurses, ICU the up and down prognosis.... Chris bride happened to be a 2nd year resident and we had Dr.s up the kazoo, each with their own "diagnosis" .
Chris last pet scan from the SGN showed clear so we weren't dealing ( at that point with the HL) but his lungs situation seemed remarkably similar and the "guess work" seemed so similar ......The death certificate said H1N1 although it was blood clots from pic lines that proved fatal..I keep going over and over in my mind the what ifs and should I have.......
I too stayed by his side up to 17 18 hours a day ... all through the night especially ( the ICU would only let you have a folding chair - so yes I was awake and the "teams" of people that came in all night long , to X ray, bathe him, change vent setting and clean the room alarms going off .he was hooked up to 12 ivs well there was not a healing rest...
Thank you for writing your posts.....- My husband feels guilty that maybe we should have taken Chris elsewhere( not that we could have since he married last year) , but the Drs. and hospitals involved were the best...but they do just "practice medicine" -
I was in the unfortunate position of having to hand over legal control of my son's medical care to his bride... ( not a good story there I am afraid)( see my latest post on my site for some insight- I relate to Marie Barone ) so not a lot I could do
I will tell my husband of your journey and hopefully he will stop 2nd guessing as I can tell you did everything you could and the tragic outcome didn't change .... again thank you you have helped more than you know ...... Loraine
Alison, we grieve with you. I think of you and Adrienne often, I still can't believe what happened. Words fail me, I don't even know how to say that I so wish Adrienne were with us. There is a giant gap in my soul. I wish I could hug you both.
Marsha
Alison, I dont know you as I am one of Chris' old friends. I found your site by visiting his and have been following ever since (prior to Adrienne's death). I have read your posts and cried, prayed for you, tried to write you and stumbled as I couldnt find the words. When I saw Chris around Christmas time, I told him that I follow your blog and that I had wanted to reach out, but never had "worthwhile words" for a mother who has lost a child. He told me that he enjoyed comments because at least he knew someone was reading them - and in that, I gathered, he felt like he had soldiers behind him marching.
I'm writing you for that reason alone. As a mother of young children, I cant imagine anything that you've gone through. I beleive you when you say Adrienne's death was the most painful thing you have experienced and I've thought about losing my own children and it makes my insides turn.
I'm so sorry for your pain and I can tell you that I am praying for you. I have said rosaries with you in mind. They say losing a child is a wound that never totally heals for the parent, but I am praying that God provides you with what you need now - healing, understanding, support - just everything that you need.
I thought it was time to shoot you a note and let you know. I so had you on my mind and in my heart during the holidays.
I just watched a youtube video on a young child who was given the gift to paint - all inspired by God - never took a lesson. She is said to draw heaven and I couldnt help but think of your daughter when I watched the video and where she is today. The video is called "Drawing Heaven" if you care to watch it.
May God bless you and give you the graces you need every day.
Take care.
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